You are never destroyed by anyone except yourself. —Friedrich Nietzsche
Every now and then I wonder how many people believe and feel they are not enough, no matter what they do. How many of us brush off compliments because we believe we could have done better? How many of us constantly nag at ourselves, unable to accept where we are now because we think we should have accomplished more by this point in life? I ask these questions broadly because I know the ways I struggle to believe all of these things for myself, living within a maze of invisible barriers always reminding me I could have done better.
I carry around the persistent belief that “you are not good enough.” This belief undermines my accomplishments, preventing me from feeling the joy of completing something or doing something well, because in the end, I so fervently believe that it is simply not enough, and it could be better. Believing I am not enough then pushes me towards perfectionism and self-criticism, which only serves to cement the notion that I am not enough. This is a tiring belief to carry because it highlights all of my perceived imperfections and shortcomings. It creates a longing for perfection in who I am, what I do, and anything I create, thus perpetuating the “never-enoughness.”
When I trained regularly in dance this belief became particularly evident. During private lessons my dance teacher would ask about my dance goals and what I’d like to work on. My usual response would be something like, “Well, everything.” He would look at me and respond, “Okay, well… where have you seen growth since you’ve started dancing?” I thought to myself, you want me to say aloud something I am good at…? I’d begin to awkwardly laugh, in hopes of avoiding the question entirely, while my teacher just looked at me with patient eyes and waited for a response. Finally, I would muster up a few things and finish by saying “…but it’s not enough and I still have so much to work on.” Gently, he would counter, “Okay, well wait a minute, let’s sit there for a moment and acknowledge your improvement. We all have things to work on, but let us also stop and see how far we have come.” Then we would walk through specific improvements and he would not allow me to belittle myself or my growth.
These moments in dance class were pivotal. My teacher’s insistence on acknowledging my progress forced me to see myself through a kinder, more compassionate lens. It was an invitation to a new awareness of how I viewed myself and how unhelpful it was to always believe that anything I did was not enough. Reflecting deeper now, I can see how this belief painted the backdrop of my life and made its way into nearly everything I have ever done—when I played soccer, while I create mosaic art, when I write, and in the workplace… I quickly realized that I have been my own bully, tearing myself down and always expecting more and better, instead of honoring my work and dedication, accepting it as something good and beautiful.
I have begun to loosen my tight grip on this belief, choosing to let it go. I recognize and appreciate how it has driven me to work hard and meticulously, however, I intimately understand that this belief no longer serves me. I no longer wish to be so mean to myself, playing the game of negative self-talk and minimizing anything I accomplish or do because “I will never be enough.”
While it seems straightforward and simple to say, tactically it remains to be an uncomfortable challenge. Instead of brushing off compliments, or responding in a way that negates this feedback, I am learning to sit in the discomfort and give my thanks. When I catch myself talking about something I have accomplished or created in a diminishing way, I make a conscious efffort to correct my language.
Through journaling I am nourishing a more compassionate relationship with myself and my inner child. I’ve discovered that the more I connect with the little me deep within, the harder it becomes to accept being mean to myself. And when all else fails, a good nap is a great reset. This belief has lived a lifetime of its own in my psych, so it will take time to silence it out.
Invitation to Reflect
I invite you to take some time for self-reflection. What beliefs about yourself have you been carrying? Are they empowering you, or holding you back? Consider how these beliefs influence your life and your interactions with others.
Do you feel that no matter what you do you will never be enough? Where did this belief come from? And what will it take to transform it?
I hope you know you are loved right here, just as you are.
You are here. You are loved. You are love.
Exactly where you are seated you are enough.
Nothing to gain. Nothing to lose. And most certainly, nothing to prove.
Be kind to yourself.
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