"I don’t have to agree with everything you say, but I should attempt at least to understand it, for the opposite of mutual understanding is, quite simply, war." —Ken Wilber
Where can we begin with cultivating mutual understanding and curiosity in our lives?
1. Start with One Thing
When we find one thing in common or discover a similarity with someone, we build a foundation—a mini-bridge—that connects our two distinct worlds. This connection can be as minuscule as both liking papayas, to something grander, like growing up with an addict in the house. No matter how slight the first similarity is, we use this one thing to build a foundation where we can both stand together.
From there, we can share more about our lives and enter each other's worlds. We meet on one bridge, and somehow we start building a second bridge to another distinct part of their life, and vice versa. We discover that, although we have not lived the same experience and do not like all of the same things, we can still understand and see the world as they do because we now have the capacity to use empathy from our shared experiences. It starts as a slow (and hesitant) tip-toe until we eventually walk into essential conversations with one another and cultivate mutual respect.
When we hold these similarities with us, it becomes harder to dehumanize others when our differences and disagreements seem larger than life itself. It becomes harder to see another human as worthless and reminds us that this person is just as human as we are, and they deserve the same respect and love. We can respect their perception of reality, even when we disagree.
As different as we all may be, we do share commonalities. We need to begin with a solid touch point to which we can always return when everything else feels unstable. This one thing will help save us all. Do not let your differences and disagreements justify alienating others.
2. Ask Thoughtful Questions
As you intentionally engage with someone else about their beliefs, remember this is not the time to insert everything you think, roll your eyes, or try to prove them wrong. Instead, this is the time to employ childlike curiosity and ask open-ended questions that encourage this person to continue elaborating. At the same time, you try to deeply understand their perception and views on the topic of discussion.
When we ask questions, we not only calm our urge to react but also invite the other person to share openly. We give them the floor and choose to listen respectfully. Beyond that, questions can help others question themselves. For example, you may ask a thought-provoking question someone cannot respond to immediately, encouraging them to think about something in a new way or pursue further research.
Example questions
I understand we have different perspectives on this topic, but I am trying to see things through your eyes. Can you help me understand your viewpoint on "x" topic?
What life experiences have contributed to your belief system?
I never thought about this like that. Have you always felt this way about "x" topic?
Could you share more about (fill in the blank)?
3. Active Listening
"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person it is almost indistinguishable." —David Augsburger
A few months ago, I spoke with a friend about various topics; however, one issue took center stage in the conversation. Eventually, my friend said, "None of this even matters because I can't change your mind." Aha, I thought to myself. He was getting frustrated with me because he wanted to change my mind instead of genuinely listening and trying to understand my perspectives. He was asking questions, yes, but only so he could respond and try to prove his point. He was not hearing what I was saying. How different could this conversation have been if, instead of having the internal expectation of changing my mind, he made it a goal to ask questions and listen so he could understand me? What if he let go of the certainty he clung to about everything he believed and chose to explore my perspectives curiously?
Active listening moves beyond solely hearing the words someone is speaking and turns you into a very active participant in the conversation. Instead of listening to respond with whatever information is floating around your mind, you listen to understand genuinely. A powerful technique to use during active listening is to paraphrase back to the speaker what you are hearing them say. This practice ensures you are honestly listening to the other person because it requires you to listen and process the information they are sharing and then regurgitate the information in your own words back to them. Paraphrasing ensures everyone accurately hears and understands the conversation as it is meant to be understood—and saves people from only hearing the parts of the conversation they want to hear.
Until we all make it an intentional practice to listen with fresh ears, we will only find what it is we want to see, and we will only hear what we want to hear. On the flip side, when we give active listening an honest chance, we can begin to interact with new and opposing beliefs from a place of respect and wonder. Let us remember that we all came into this world the same way, and thanks to the magical process of death, we will all be leaving in the same way. So while we are here, let's choose to embody respect and love as we listen and learn from one another along the way.
4. Challenging Confirmation Biases
When I was in University, one of my classes was chock full of assignments geared toward helping students understand unconscious biases while encouraging them to think critically about societal challenges in new ways. For a particular project, we wrote our initial opinion about an issue, and the next step required us to research this issue further and make a solid case for the other side. In a way, we were "going against ourselves" to truly understand different perspectives on said issue. This assignment, and class, stuck with me because it created a healthy environment to curiously explore and think about the world in new ways. No one was shamed or silenced for their beliefs, and we were encouraged to interact with "the other side" of different issues.
The American Psychological Association defines confirmation bias as "the tendency to gather evidence that confirms preexisting expectations, typically by emphasizing or pursuing supporting evidence while dismissing or failing to seek contradictory evidence." We get this magical sensation of confirmation bias whenever we hear something that aligns with our perspectives. Whether what we hear is true or not, the belief we already hold becomes reinforced within us, and it feels as certain as the sky being blue on a sunny day.
The most dangerous thing we can do is opt only to read and consume information that confirms everything we believe to be accurate and only spend time with people who reaffirm our thoughts. This vicious cycle feeds into itself, and it becomes increasingly more difficult to honestly question what we believe, let alone listen to someone else share information that contradicts what we hold to be true. However, when we put ourselves out there and get into the arena of different viewpoints and perspectives, we become a wiser society and can cultivate mutual understanding.
Effective ways to challenge confirmation biases
Intentionally introducing yourself to information you would not usually read. What talking points stick out to you the most? What emotions are evoked within you? Why do you think that is? Is there information referenced that you can research further?
Reflect on how you feel about a highly-debated issue in your country that evokes strong emotional responses. After bringing awareness to your feelings, research and write about what you think someone with an opposing viewpoint would say and feel. Why might they feel the way they do? What evidence might they use to prove their point? Where can you find similarities between you and them?
Genuinely engage with different people with the sole mission of understanding them instead of disregarding them because of their beliefs. After all, how interesting is life if we only live in an echo chamber of ideas we like and find agreeable? In what way does that ever challenge us or push us into the growth zone as a species?
5. Return to Empathy
When all else fails despite our genuine efforts, we can try our best to gracefully return to empathy and find ourselves within the people around us. When conversations get complex, and there is high emotion, I encourage you to take a breather and sit in empathy. Remember your darkest hour, the depths of suffering you have felt in this lifetime, and acknowledge that this same sadness and pain will touch each person around you. Nothing you believe and nothing they believe can save you all from that. With this in mind, do we want to spend our time causing more suffering for each other? Or do we want to commit ourselves to curiosity and collaboration in the face of our collective challenges? To continue moving forward together, we've got to strengthen our ability to empathize and truly see the humanity in each person around us.
These skills and techniques will not form overnight; instead, they are like a muscle—with intentional practice, they become more robust and present in our everyday lives. Sometimes we may wonder why we should do the work to become aware and curious when it seems everyone around us doesn't give a damn (I know sometimes I feel that way). Still, I remember that all impactful transformation occurring in the world first occurs within one person. It begins with you and me. Either we can complain about the division and hatred in our society as we blame it on other people, or we take responsibility for ourselves and do our part to cultivate mutual understanding—no matter how daunting the journey seems. Slowly, but surely, we can transform ourselves, our culture, and society.
Cheers to you.
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