Conflict and disagreement are pillars of human interaction, shaping societies and relationships. While they cause significant harm and disconnect in our world, leading to lost lives, damaged relationships, and widespread suffering, they are also opportunities for growth and understanding. The goal is not to avoid or erase conflict but rather empower ourselves with the skills to navigate it in a healthier, heart-centered way.
Some time ago, a close friend was explaining a relational conflict/disagreement she was in the midst of. I listened attentively and asked various questions to understand the situation better, genuinely trying to grasp her perspective and that of the other person involved. Eventually, my friend grew frustrated and exclaimed, "Why are you taking their side?!" It became clear that my questioning did not make my friend feel supported and instead led her to believe I was "against her."
I share this story because conflict often turns into a game of picking sides. Even when we try to remain neutral, it can be perceived as choosing "the other side" if we don't explicitly agree with the person we are speaking to. This game is often driven by a black-and-white approach that oversimplifies complex issues, whether interpersonal, work-related, political, etc. The expectation to "pick a side" manifests not only in our closest relationships with friends and family but also with coworkers, mere acquaintances, and political or religious ties. On social media platforms, this expectation intensifies, where voicing your views on a topic—or choosing not to, questioning the narrative, or trying to remain neutral—can be a form of social suicide.
Why, in any form of conflict, are we continually pressured to pick a side? Is there a way to sidestep picking sides while still engaging with the conflict at hand and remaining focused on resolution? Why do we take it as a personal attack when someone is not quick to take our side? Do they really become less of a friend or companion, less human, because they take time to question, think for themselves, or encourage us to see things in a different way?
When we immediately react to a conflict or disagreement, our reactions usually rob us of our capacity to think critically and observe what is happening. Thus, our lizard brain runs the show. Many conflicts elicit strong reactions and emotions because something about them feels hurtful, unjust, or even abhorrent. On another level, conflict and disagreement often have the magic touch when it comes to poking at our ego and created identity. When our sense of self is challenged, it feels like a personal attack or threat, leading to an emotional response. This emotional engagement can lead us to dig our feet in about something, refuse to listen to the person or people who seem "against us," or wholly cut ties without giving an honest shot at creating mutual understanding.
Regardless of when and with whom this occurs, we hold the power to name our current experience and the emotions taking over. Although our immediate reaction and judgment are ready to make themselves known, it is helpful to notice and ask ourselves, "I see I am feeling [fill in the emotions], and what other information am I missing to have a more complete understanding of what is going on here?" This bridge of awareness from our current reality and emotional state to curiously wondering about the conflict we are experiencing helps slow us down. It ushers in space for self-acknowledgment and responsibility while recognizing the possibility of creating a shared understanding amidst current conflict and disagreement. Surely, there are always pieces of information we do not know, no matter how black and white something initially appears.
Discovering this element of pause and awareness can help halt the simplification of multidimensional problems into binary "this or that" explanations. This allows for a nuanced perspective that acknowledges multiple viewpoints, seeking understanding instead of allegiance. It's okay to be Switzerland! This shift from seeking validation to fostering comprehension is pivotal when resolving conflicts and disagreements in a healthier, more constructive manner.
An Invitation to Ponder in Solitude or Journal:
When someone close to you does not side with you on an issue, what emotions surface? Do you feel betrayed, abandoned, or ashamed? Do you feel the need to prove you're right? Why do you feel this way?
On the flip side… What feelings surface within you when you feel pressured to choose a side on an issue or conflict that does not seem so black and white to you? How do you navigate these situations with close friends, family, and acquaintances?
To wrap things up, I will leave you with some words from Donald Miller's book Scary Close:
"We don't have to be either conservative or liberal or religious or atheist or divided into this or that categories. We can be ourselves, a conglomerate of nuanced beliefs and opinions."
Accepting this nuance in ourselves and others can help us approach conflict and disagreement with the intent to understand, not divide.
Wishing you well, wherever you are.
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