I first encountered the word "sonder" in December 2023, and ever since, it has lingered in my thoughts, quietly reshaping my perception of the world around me. Sonder alludes to the profound realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as our own. It is the deep awareness that despite our apparent differences or distastes, we are all navigating an intricate and nuanced existence—each of us carrying our own ambitions, challenges, and emotions. This is both beautiful and humbling.
In our daily lives, we often interact with many people, each seemingly caught in their own life. We seldom consider the depths of pain or joy another person might be experiencing unless they explicitly share it with us. As such, we can never truly know who among us is grieving the recent loss of a loved one…who is dealing with an absent and addicted parent… who is observing a dear relationship crumble before themselves, unsure of where things went so wrong… or who is grappling with depression and meaninglessness, clinging to life by a thread.
What we see on the surface—the hurried commuter, the cashier who makes us question why they even work in customer service because they're such an ass, the annoying colleague—are mere fragments of their projected reality. Everyone we meet is in their own boxing ring, engaged in a personal battle. Some facing their version of Goliath with resilience, others crawling along. Perhaps they're on the metaphorical floor, kicked down and hoping for a break… or maybe they're standing tall, ready to face their challenges head-on with energy and determination.
What if our interaction with someone reminds them that life is worth living?
What if our politeness and patience lead someone to feel cared for?
What if our kind words encourage someone amidst a very trying time, and they don't feel so alone?
Hidden from view are the countless heart-wrenching and beautiful stories that craft each person. While we may never fully understand the extent of another's experience, we can reflect on our moments of hardship and accomplishment. By remembering the times we have been marked by the sorrows of life, we can choose to extend empathy to those around us, recognizing that the human experience is a shared one, lived out by more than 8 billion people on Earth.
By choosing kindness and warmth, we can honor the humanity in everyone we encounter—friends and strangers alike. These small acts of grace have the power to usher light into someone's dark moments, just as they have done for us in our times of need. Sonder reminds us that every person is more than they appear on the surface or what they project into the world, living a life as elaborate as our own. In embracing this awareness, we can foster a more profound sense of connection, recognizing that, in the end, we are all united by our shared humanity.
My therapist had the following quote by Miller Williams on her door:
"Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don't want it. What appears as bad manners, an ill temper, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone."
And every time I walked out of her office these words seemed to resonate more deeply within me. Sonder is not just a fleeting thought but an invitation to approach every interaction and person with heart and compassion.
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